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20 Facts About Dudley Dursely (HP, 965 words, G)
Title: 20 Facts About Dudley Dursely (The Muggle Who Lived)
Rating: G
Word Count: 965 words
A/N: Written for the Harry Potter Random Facts Fest.

20 Facts About Dudley Dursley (The Muggle Who Lived)

1. It would be nice to say 'no one was more surprised than Voldemort when his curse rebounded' but, in fact, everybody was just as surprised, because (a) no one survived the killing curse and certainly not (b) muggles who were (c) little babies, no matter how (d) fat they were.
    
2. (Petunia, it seemed, had been rather more of a Squib than one might have first suspected.)
   
   
3. This, of course, lead to a lot of wizards feeling about embarrassed by the whole mess, what with their mortal enemy / leader having been defeated by an endlessly bawling, grotty, ill-behaved, diapered child with a frankly unheroic name.  
   
   
4. And so Dudley the Muggle (who had, by his mere continued existence, reduced all others to small-m muggle status) was sent to live with his aunt and uncle, where he continued to cry a lot in between taking all his cousins toys and hitting him.  His first two words are "Mine!" and "No!"
   
   
5. Dudley grew up with little interest in magic, except for the sweets and the brooms for flying to get the sweets, and was a little surprised, therefore, to receive an invitation to Hogwarts.
   
   
6. Though not as surprised as most of the wizarding world, who muttered about nepotism and intrigue and the importance of a good, healthy diet, if you don't want to grow up like the Muggle, children.
   
   
7. Which had a lot to do with why Draco Malfoy and his cohorts started picking on Dudley in Diagon Alley, despite Harry's warnings.  Dudley shrugged a little, punched Draco in the face, and informed Gregory and Vincent that they were his now.
   
   
8. "That," Ollivander informed him, "is the twin of the wand that killed your parents."
   
   "It's a bit small," Dudley said.
   
   "It is an omen; a sign of greatness -- for the Dark Lord did great things.  Terrible, yes, but great."
   
   "Yeah, I want the bigger one," Dudley said.
   
   "It's also incredibly rare and expensive," Ollivander added, because he'd never lost a sale in his life.
   
   
9. Poke. "Quit it."  Poke.  "Quit it!"  Poke.  "Muuuum!  Tell Dudley to stop poking me with his wand!  Hey, stop laughing!  Daaad!  Uncle Sirius is laughing at me!  Make him stop!"
   
   
10. People made a lot of fuss when he was sorted into Slytherin, which is to say that Harry near pissed himself laughing and Draco wouldn't stop whining about him bringing the house down.  He sat next to Vincent, and opposite a large girl called Millicent who punched a third year for calling her Millie.  Dudley shrugged and asked when the feast would begin.
    
    
11. Dudley proved to a consistently Poor grade student in every class, except potions, which was practically cooking, except with a noticeable lack of eating afterwards.
    
    
12. Which was why he and Millicent were out in the corridors, trying to find the entrance to the kitchens, when the troll showed up, blocking them in.  Millicent kicked the troll in the ankle with her hob-nailed dragon-hide iron-toed boot.  Dudley picked up its dropped club, and whacked it, twice in the knees, and once in the face as it came down into reach.  The troll crashed through a picture of fruit, startling the house elves on the other side.  The months of detention were totally worth the constant supply of biscuits.
    
    
13. Being forced to play Beater for the house Quidditch team was kind of annoying, what with practices and training and all that rubbish, but he was good at it, and it let him hit things at high speed at his annoying, goody-goody, youngest seeker ever cousin / quasi-brother.  So that was fun, too.
    
    
14. (Sometimes, on rare occasions, when Harry was in a strop and not talking to his friends, he came and studied with Dudley in the library, which mostly involved them playing cards and both cheating until they fight and get thrown out.)
     
15. When lessons didn't need it -- potions, creatures, herbology, astronomy -- Dudley forgot his wand.  He spent much of the year going back to places to find it, to the eternal annoyance of his teachers.  One evening, the stairs turned on him, and he ended up in completely the wrong classroom, where he found a mirror.
     
16. His reflection, flanked by his friends, ate a chocolate frog.  Harry fell over a lot in the background, which was pretty funny.  Mirror!Dudley didn't have a wand either.  They both shrugged.
     
17. The next time he saw the mirror, the thing in Quirrell was shoving him against it, impossibly strong, and saying, "This is what defeated me?  A pudgy boy and a mother's luck?  You only have magic because of me.  You stole it from me.  And you're so stupid -- so muggle! -- that you don't even want it.  It's your lucky day, boy.  As soon as you get me my stone, I'm taking my magic back."
     
18. Dudley thought about this, his face pressed against the cold glass, and then he said, "It's mine now; you can't have it," and kicked backwards.  His boots, a Christmas present from Millicent, connected solidly.  Quirrell whimpered and fell down.  Dudley considers him for a moment and then pushes the mirror over onto him as well.
     
19. Harry, Vincent, Gregory and Millicent burst through the door seconds later.  There was a long pause and then Harry, pouting, said, "Yeah.  Well.  I could have done that.  If I wanted."  He tried to make them go to the Headmaster, but they just dawdled behind him and then took one of the secret tunnels while he wasn't looking.
     
20. The thing was, Lily and James would always be Harry's parents, and the magic would be lost with Voldemort in the end, but still, Dudley had what he had, and it was his, and that was pretty damned good.  And, on the upside, he got to listen to Harry complain all summer about Slytherin getting the House Cup.